Dirty Text Messages

What do you call a gay man with a huge dick? A pain in the ass.

How do you get a girl that loves horses to suck your dick? … Cover it with ranch dressing.

A good friend is like a condom…always there when things are hard.

Some people believe that watching the stars and following their every move can help you understand the future, all it got me was a fucking restraining order.

What does it mean when you come home to a great meal, lots of love, and great sex?… You’re in the wrong damned house.

I grew up thinking my dad had Tourette’s syndrome. Years later I found out he just thought I was a fucking cunt.

A man was digging in his garden when he saw a long line of people walking behind a funeral procession with two hearses at the head of it. One man walked at the head of the proceedings with a pit bull on a leash. Curious, the gardener got up and joined the line behind the man with the dog and asked who was being buried. The man with the dog replied “that’s my wife.” “I’m so sorry,” said the gardener, “Who is in the other hearse?” The man with the dog replied “That’s my MIL” “Wow,” said the gardener, “What happened?” the man with the dog looked down and said “Dog bit them.” The gardener looked shocked, then thought for a second and said, “Can I borrow the dog?” the man looked at the followers behind him and said, “Get in line.”

An old man was fishing with his grandson and the boy looked up at him and said, “Grandpa, how come you have such a small head?” the old man looked down at the unusual question and said, “Well, son, you see I was fishing one day and caught a mermaid. She said she would grant me one wish, what I wanted. I told her ‘a little head’”.

A woman went on vacation to Jamaica. She met a hot black man and made passionate love to him every night. Finally before she left she asked him his name. He replied, ‘Snow’. When she laughed he got offended. She said, “No, I wasn’t making fun of your name, but my husband is going to be surprised when he asks me how my vacation was and I tell him I had 10” of snow every night in Jamaica.”

A nun asked her students what Eve said to Adam when they met. One student looked up and said ‘Wow, that’s a hard one.” The nun smiled and said, that’s correct.